Thursday, May 27, 2010

Anxious for Nothing

Sometimes I get an awful feeling in the pit of my stomach. It's anxiety. I feel anxious but for no reason. It is fairly frustrating because when it starts, it always happens in my stomach and then I feel adrenenline in the palms of my hands and the soles of my feet (weird I know) and then I just feel like running away. I just have the urgent need to not be where I am or not be doing what I am doing. I really do not like it one bit. When I was younger I would do art projects until two in the morning just to get my mind off the feeling and to be doing something, now I just wait.

Recently I was reminded of an amazing verse which says "Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God; and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus." Phil 4:6-7. When I start to feel this way I remember this verse, but I wish I could remember it even before I get worried over nothing.

I get anxious over nothing, but I need to learn to be anxious for nothing. I have faith that Jesus will work that miracle in me.

Sunday, May 9, 2010

Some Plans That Have Gone Awry.

I don't like to travel because that disrupts my routine, also I really like my own bed and my own shower. I would rather be at home then in Italy or the East Coast or England or France or even Hawaii. I am the kind of person who likes things to be normal and to know where I'm going, who I'm going to see and what I'm going to do week in and week out. Daily I have to remind myself to not think so far ahead and plan my entire life out. I am terrible at being completely in submission to God's heart for me. Even before I knew Him, I was the same way.

I remember ten or so years ago sitting with a friend on my bed in the same room which I now sit dreaming of all that my life would one day be. I was eleven. I have recently been thinking about that conversation. Although I cannot one hundred percent remember who my friend was or what they wanted for their life, I remember most of what I said which was something to the effect of "I want to live on a farm like my Nonnie and Papa, be married and have lots of babies and do it all by the time I'm eighteen. Also my husband would love me like my dad loves my mom."

As I am sitting on my bed now (not the same bed, it's larger, but it is in the same place oddly enough with how much I move my room around) I am still living with my parents (in suburbia not a farm), I am twenty one so I'm three years too late to meet my age requirement, have no prospect for a husband and therefore will be having no children at any time in the near future. I am thinking how with every single fiber of my being I wanted those things and how funny it is how all-consuming desires change. Sure, I still desire to marry a man that loves me as much as my daddy loves my mommy and I'd like to have a few young ones under foot some day, but I am no longer consumed with those things because I take comfort in the fact that God knows what He is doing and He will give me everything that He desires to give, and take away things He desires to take.

This is what the Lord has done this this area of my life: although I still plan, my plans are not as, lets say, definitive. I use the words 'some day' rather then giving myself a deadline and therefore ultimately setting myself up for failure.

When you desire to do God's will He will equip you for that work, even if it is something seemingly as simple as changing your every day vernacular.

Wednesday, May 5, 2010

Mere Christianity By C.S. Lewis

I have just started reading this book and already it has spoken into my life. The very first chapter is about what he calls the 'law of human nature'. It's all about the standard of which you treat other human beings and how you expect them to treat you. Basic right and wrong. I like how he put it [comparing right and wrong to notes on a piano]:

Think once again about a piano. it has not got two kinds of notes on it, the 'right' ones and the 'wrong' ones. Every single note is right at one time or another. The moral Law is not any one instinct or set of instincts: it is something that makes a kind of tune (the tune we can call goodness or right conduct) by directing the instincts.

He earlier in the passage wrote regarding how every human instinct has a right time and a right place. Such as [Lewis suggests] the instinct to fight and the instinct to have sex, in the right situation they are perfectly fine, but outside of that they are the 'wrong notes'. The right situation he gives for both examples is as follows: for fighting it is proper to increase that instinct when going to fight for your country and in reference to sex he says it is proper for a married man to increase his sexual desire, but of course, only with his wife.

I have been really struggling with wanting to please God, being blameless before others and being a good example of Christ to those who do not know him, and this chapter eased my fear slightly. The reminder that every action has a proper time and place is very comforting. Now the challenge is, through prayer and supplication, let God do all the work he needs to so that I play my song in tune.